Ahhh, isn't running glorious?
You wake up sans snooze button, charge out for a blissfully pain-free race (during which you just so happen to PR), and everything seems to align perfectly in your favor. Afterward, you fuel up with calorie-free pancakes. Your legs? As limber and unused as those of a 1-year-old who's carried around in a papoose.
Okay, welcome back from Fantasy Land.
The truth is that running comes with its own assortment of minor difficulties: frozen fingers, tangled headphones, aches and pains. Not to mention the chafing. OMG, the chafing.
While sometimes you can rise above these annoyances, often they can distract you from the very activity that's supposed to relieve stress. But much like the wise and prophetic people who've come before me, I, too, have a dream. A dream in which every run is fast, every runner is freakishly happy. And in this dream, the following gadgets and gear exist.
Personal People-Moving Crane
No one enjoys the first mile or so of a race. You're dodging and weaving through the crowd while trying to get your legs warmed up. This itty-bitty piece of machinery will gently pluck fellow runners out of your path during the initial chaos. Bonus: It also works on pedestrians.
"Good Hair Day" Guard
So, they make shower caps, right? Why not running caps? These would gently cover and preserve your coiffure during runs, wicking away sweat, warding off rain and wind, and tamping down frizzies. Perfect for anyone who's ever talked themselves out of a run because they didn't feel like washing their hair. So...everyone.
Foam-Rolling Robot Boyfriend
Marathon spouses seem nice. Someone who will prep your meals, knead your sore muscles, and not grumble at your 5:30 a.m. wake-up calls. Nutritious doughnuts seem nice too. Sadly, neither exist in real life. This is why an A.I. robot — think Jude Law in, um, A.I. — with retractable foam-rolling hands is just the boyfriend every hardcore runner needs. Scratch that. Deserves.
Some people look like gorgeous, sweat-free, happy-go-lucky angels when they run. Others look like extras on Game of Thrones. All of which would be fine if photographers with 3-foot lenses weren't dotted along race courses, capturing your every grimace. I'm just saying that if MarathonFoto offered a little photoshop feature for race images, I personally wouldn't complain.
Your Own In-Ear D.J.
Bye-bye Spotify. The best—and most motivating—accompaniment to any run would be Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson whispering sweet nothings straight into your ear on repeat. Things like "You're the #HardestWorkerInTheRoom, babe." Or "Blood, sweat, respect...first two you give. Last one you earn." You know, real romantic stuff. He'll make your feet fly.
Who hasn't lost one during training? These cute replacements would eliminate that tedious growing-in phase. And I'm not talking about acrylic toenails—which are, apparently, a thing—because you actually need some toenails to use those. These are pretty much just new toes.
If your laundry pile looks like a mesh Mount Kilimanjaro, just imagine how game-changing it would be to own disposable running apparel. Wear it, sweat through it, toss it. Totally wasteful? Probably. But surely some industrious young designer can come up with an eco-friendly, sustainable, biodegradable material...that also looks really cute and flattering on all body types, right?