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Are Your Friends Making You Fat?

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More Friendship and Diet Fixes

Food Friend: The Pig-Out Partner

After she moved into her own apartment last spring, Alina Tuttle-Melgar, 29, accepted a dinner invitation from her new next-door neighbor. The two hit if off, and soon they were spending three or four nights a week together eating hearty dishes like meat loaf and chicken pot pie. On Saturday mornings they went to a local diner, where they ordered huge stacks of pancakes with bacon. "I never ate like that when I was alone," says Alina, an account executive in Boston. Why would someone who normally nibbles on healthy fare like grilled salmon and vegetables suddenly start putting away food like a truck driver? "When you see a friend chowing down on something fattening, it may give you permission to let go," says Martin Binks, PhD, director of psychiatry and behavioral health and research at the Duke Diet and Fitness Center at Duke University. "The guilt is gone, and it's suddenly easy to justify the hot fudge sundae even when you haven't planned to indulge."

Step away from the table: Visit with your pal between meals. "Schedule activities, such as going for a walk, that will keep you so busy you won't have time to think about food," says Abramson. Or suggest that the two of you sign up for a gym membership, so that all your get-togethers revolve around doing something healthy.

Food Friend: The Temptress

Whether it's a pal who's always cooking every time you visit or a friend who likes to surprise you with a batch of homemade brownies or cookies, it's hard not to eat something that looks and smells fantastic and is right in front of you. "Many of us communicate warmth and love through food because that's how we were raised," says Warren Huberman, PhD, a psychologist at New York University Medical Center. There's nothing wrong with a friend occasionally bringing you a treat, of course. But if it becomes a pattern, that's a problem. "A buddy who constantly offers you food may be envious of your weight-loss efforts," says Stettner. "Subconsciously, she might want you to fail -- especially if she needs to lose pounds herself."

Step away from the table: Be open and honest with your pal: Tell her you're trying to watch what you eat, says Judith Beck, PhD, a psychologist in Philadelphia and the author of The Complete Beck Diet for Life. She should get the message. However, "if you find yourself having to explain this to her more than three times, question how good a friend she really is and whether she has her own eating issues or is trying to sabotage your diet," adds Beck. If you still want to save the relationship, find a way to keep your get-togethers food-free: Visit a museum, for instance. If she shows up toting a bag of goodies anyway, it's time to steer clear of her, Beck says.

Food Friend: The Restaurant Junkie

Melissa Gibbs loves to go out to eat with her friends, but the cost has been steep: She's struggled with her weight for years. "When we sit down to dinner, someone orders a round of fancy martinis at 300 calories a pop, then a round of appetizers, and suddenly there's a day's worth of calories sitting on the table and the entree hasn't even arrived yet," says Melissa, a 39-year-old business development manager for a construction company in New Orleans. "Sure, I try to limit my intake or ask the waiter to leave off the mashed potatoes and put the sauce on the side. And all the while, I ignore the fact that I sound like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally."

"A group dinner gives you the green light to eat a lot, because the atmosphere is festive and others at the table are eating a lot too," says Binks. Considering that most restaurants serve gigantic portions and you're likely to be distracted by conversation, you probably won't even realize how much you're consuming until it's too late. "In theory, if you're in tune with your body and know when you've had enough, it shouldn't be a problem," adds Judith Matz, director of the Chicago Center for Overcoming Overeating and the author of The Diet Survivor's Handbook. "But many of us don't listen to those internal cues, and that's where we get stuck."

Step away from the table: Arrive at the restaurant hungry but not famished; snack on a mix of carbs and protein, like a piece of string cheese and an apple, an hour before to take the edge off, suggests Matz. Order what looks appealing, but try to stick to an appetizer and a salad and just one drink, preferably wine, which usually packs less than half the calories of a margarita or a martini. Eat slowly and savor your food, stopping as soon as you start to feel full. (Take the rest home with you for another meal.) If you'd rather have an entree, choose grilled meat or fish, and ask for an extra serving of vegetables instead of a potato or rice. For dessert, order one or two sweets for the table to share.

Finally, help both your waistline and your wallet by making expensive restaurant meals an occasional indulgence. Instead, offer to host a monthly supper club, says Christine Avanti, a nutritionist in Los Angeles. "Ask guests to bring a healthy dish of their choice so you can enjoy each other's company without calorie overload."


Originally published in FITNESS magazine, July/August 2009.


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10/5/2013 09:13:02 AM Report Abuse
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1/31/2012 02:40:52 AM Report Abuse
tokimeu wrote:

Excellent story. Since I've lost weight, my friendships are falling apart. Jealousy seems to be the root of my friends disliking that I am thin now and they are all still fat. They make fun of me and criticize me. I don't even like to go shopping with them anymore because I don't buy clothes in the same departments as they do anymore, so I am ostracized there also. I feel that I need to find new friends, which is harder than you think when one is 60 years old.

8/9/2011 10:49:52 AM Report Abuse

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