Confessions of a Borderline Binge Eater

Falling Off the Wagon

Armed with these new insights, I wake up on Monday morning determined to have a binge-free week. The first few days are fine. I follow Binks' recommendations and find that eating small portions four or five times a day does keep me from feeling deprived and that I have fewer cravings. It's not even hard to turn down my boyfriend's suggestion of going out for wings and beer on Wednesday night; I've already planned to cook us a healthy meal of salmon, zucchini casserole, and baked potatoes.

Then the weekend arrives. I'll be driving four hours to visit my sister and help her paint her new house. Leaving at 10 a.m. means I'll be stopping en route for lunch. As I speed along the interstate, I begin planning the healthy meal I'll have at Subway. Lettuce, tomatoes, and low-fat cheese -- a six-inch, not the foot-long. By 12:30, my stomach is growling; I pull off at the next exit. No Subway in sight, so I turn in to Wendy's. I'll just get the kids' meal, I think.

"A Baconator, large fries, and a Vanilla Frosty," I say into the speaker box. Apparently, along with my toothbrush, I've left my willpower at home.

I inhale the entire meal, rub my Buddha belly and try to ignore the guilt that engulfs me for the rest of the drive. To compound matters, my sister orders pizza for dinner that night. I've already ruined my diet for the day, I tell myself, gearing up for a gorge-fest. In record time, I inhale five slices.

An hour later, I can no longer stand myself. I am a failure. A failure at eating like a normal person, and a failure at reforming my bad habits. After dinner, I lie on the couch and begin moaning. My sister shakes her head at me and tries to distract me from my self-induced pain. "What are you working on these days?" she asks. I start laughing in between groans. "An article on binge eating."

I remember Binks telling me that the way I feel after bingeing is important -- and that I should try to relieve any guilt with physical activity. A brisk stroll around the block doesn't exactly ease the bloating, but I have to admit, by the time I get back to the house the guilt has lightened a bit.