Why We Apologize Too Much, and How to Stop

Minor Errors

You're Sorry 'Cuz: You're a people pleaser

For the overly solicitous, a minor transgression such as forgetting someone's name can leave them unable to move on without incessantly repeating how bad they feel about the mistake.

In addition, this personality type is often unable to have a detached, "Hey, we all mess up" outlook after a slipup. For example, if you're 15 minutes late for an appointment with your boss because of traffic, you not only apologize profusely but mentally beat yourself up throughout the meeting.

People pleasers tend to offer up apologies as a way to avoid rejection. For example, they may unleash a torrent of "sorry"s for accidentally taking someone's seat at a party, so they won't garner that person's contempt or disdain. "But rather than deflect a negative response, chronic apologizing sends the subtle message that you're not up to par," says Tillman.

Break the Habit

Cut yourself some slack. "Instead of getting hung up on begging pardon, acknowledge the error, express regret, and move on," says Heitler. Consider how you will handle a similar situation differently next time; for instance, will you call your boss to let her know you'll be late? Or perhaps you'll have an alternate route in mind if you get stuck again. "Instead of continuing to feel guilty, you've empowered yourself to handle future mistakes," says Heitler.

You may also try replacing repeated "I'm sorry"s with "I made a mistake" -- and say it only once. This takes responsibility for the error, and the change in phrasing makes you aware when you start to issue a rote apology. Each time you successfully insert the replacement statement, note how confident you feel, which boosts your self-esteem.

Originally published in Fitness magazine, December 2005.