Why We Apologize Too Much, and How to Stop

Avoiding Conflict

You're Sorry 'Cuz: It's how you avoid conflict

The roots of overapologizing can often be traced to family relationships. People who grew up with critical, demanding parents or bullying siblings frequently apologize as a way to placate others and avoid confrontation. "Early in life, they discovered that expressing regret, whether they agreed with the criticism or not, caused the other person to calm down, and they've continued this behavior as they've gotten older," explains Susan Heitler, PhD, a psychologist in Denver and coauthor of The Power of Two Workbook (New Harbinger Publications, 2003). Women who fall into this category often say "I'm sorry" to stop or prevent an argument with their partner. But by habitually jumping in with an apology, they set themselves up to be the one at fault. "If you're the only one taking responsibility, it reinforces the idea that when things go wrong, you are the bad guy," says Heitler.

Why Take the Blame?

If you tend to play the guilty party, ask yourself how you feel when you're taking the blame -- are you intimidated, ashamed, or resentful? If so, the dynamics of the union are such that he is the authority and you are in the weaker position. To even things out, the next time a potential disagreement arises, find other ways to cool off. Try taking a moment to get a glass of water and collect your thoughts. During the mini break, Helene Brenner, PhD, author of I Know I'm in There Somewhere (Gotham, 2004), recommends asking yourself, "What do I know to be true about this situation?" This allows you to focus on your reality rather than being swayed by your partner's emotions.

Break the Habit

When it's time to talk, try what Heitler calls a "find the mis-" conversation, which presumes that most arguments are based on misunderstanding. When you're disagreeing about, say, who was supposed to finish a report at work, steer the discussion toward uncovering the miscommunication. Use less accusatory language, such as "I guess it was unclear who would edit the final presentation on Tuesday." "Once you determine how the mix-up occurred, you can create a plan to prevent it from happening again," she says.