What They Oughta Teach in Charm School

Charm Lesson 3: Ego Stroke -- Subtly

It's one thing to turn on the charm when you're in a good mood. But when your cube mate spends all day on MySpace while you slave away on your joint report, killing her with kindness isn't quite what you have in mind. The key is to take your annoyance out of the equation and focus on your goal -- getting her to do her share of the work. Passive-aggressive behavior won't help you achieve your aim. Instead of resorting to snide remarks, forcing an angry confrontation, or ratting her out to your supervisor, appeal to her ego in a way that merely states facts. "Explain why she's needed for this project," suggests Laurie Puhn, JD, author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. Maybe she's great at reading the boss or excels at making boring stats come to life; whatever her skill, let her know it's essential. "When a person feels valued, she's more likely to want to do a better job," says Puhn. Just phrase your wishes as a request ("Would you mind looking over this report?"), not an order. Studies show that people are motivated when they feel they have a sense of autonomy.