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An RD Confesses: "I Had Bulimia"

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Fear of Failure

In college, I quickly realized that achieving a 4.0 grade average was unlikely. But during my sophomore year, I stumbled on a new pathway to perfection: achieving an ideal body. I had gained the freshman 15, so during winter vacation, I tried a drastic diet I'd invented based on severely restricting calories -- and lost it all. When I got back to school, my dorm mates actually gave me an impromptu award recognizing my "dramatic diminution." The praise and admiration were almost unbearable.

I loved being successful, but I didn't love that others were keeping tabs on my weight. It meant that regaining was not an option. I didn't dare eat anything "fattening" in front of my friends. However, like many people with an eating disorder, I would sneak into the kitchen after everyone else had gone to bed and wolf down everything I had denied myself.

The Bingeing Cycle

To a bulimic, avoiding food all day means "being good." But a starving body will eventually revolt, inducing an out-of-control binge. The shame that follows makes a disordered eater promise to "do better" the next day, starting the whole cycle over again. Clearly, I thought, I couldn't be trusted around food, so I vowed to be even more careful at meals. Still, my weight began to creep up -- more "proof" that I needed to double my efforts. Desperate for a way to drop the pounds, I registered for Nutrition 101 -- and aced it. Every A paper justified my obsession with food; after all, the more I studied about eating and calories and dieting, the better my grades were.

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lilgirl024680 wrote:

THANK YOU for writing this. I wish more people would. Strength comes from numbers.

1/23/2012 08:04:33 PM Report Abuse
jbworkman1 wrote:

Wow it's like this is my EXACT story. Same name, even 1 semester from being a RD. I've struggled for about 6 years but finally quit about a year ago when I truly saw my image in the mirror 5'10 &120 lbs. Only a few slips in a year¿s time. I try hard to get the message across that we are worth more than being another thin girl in America. I still struggle with the idea that my body is okay the way it is , by faith I get through. We all have struggles, this WAS ours.

11/11/2009 08:12:23 PM Report Abuse

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